World's Greatest Dad... Goldthwait, Williams... Seriously

     The most artistic film I've seen since film school.  Written and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait and starring Robin Williams, the whole film was made for a penny.  Fucking brilliant.  Autoerotic asphixiation, failed writers, teenage angst, suicide, private school (homage to Robin in Dead Poets Society), teacher to teacher sex, pot brownies, hoarding, goth chicks, homosexual jocks, lies, failed parenthood, and everything else that makes Dangerous Minds, Dead Poets Society, and  Stand and Deliver look like movies for pussies.  The old Bobcat has come a long way since Police Academy and Shakes the Clown.
     What the fuck did I just see?  It was glorious.  Worlds Greatest Dad.  Bobcat Goldthwait, Robin Williams.  Check it out.  Shit your pants and ask yourself why you wasted nine dollars to see Avatar.

Charlton Heston Could Kick Your Ass

     I was sitting at my house last Saturday afternoon, babysitting the little guy as usual.  My wife was out shopping and spending all of our money on ridiculous things that we don't need, and all I wanted to do was relax and watch a movie.  It was time for the little guy to have his nap, so I put him down to sleep and began scrolling through the hord of films that are stashed away on my Netflix queue on my Xbox.

     Holy crap.  Planet of the Apes.  I'm talking about the original of course.  The one with Charlton Heston that was made in 1968, not that blasphemous Tim Burton version with Marky Mark minus his Funky Bunch.  I love Tim Burton but everyone knows you don't remake classics (ahem, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).
     While watching the film I began to realize two things.  Planet of the Apes was brilliant and Charlton Heston was one bad ass son of a bitch. 
     He was old even back then and I'm a bit confused about why he was thought to be a sex symbol.  His man boobs sag a bit and his teeth are yellow and crooked.  His voice sounds like he's been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day since he was in the womb which must have been back in the mid-1800's from the look of the guy.  He looks like some ass-kicking corpse that's come back from the dead to rape your daughter and laugh about it.  But I guess back in the '60's this was sexy.
     Then there was that whole thing about Heston being the head of the NRA.  Fine.  I'm pro-gun but there was something about that image of Heston holding that rifle over his head and saying, "From my cold dead hands!" that just cracked me up.  I really wanted him to finish out the sentence with, "you damn dirty apes!"  And when that idiot Michael Moore did that horrible interview with him in Moore's film Bowling for Columbine, I wanted to piss my pants I was laughing so hard.  Heston looked like he was about 150 years old for that interview but I can remember thinking that Moore was only one cocky statement away from having his ass blown away by an ape fighting, cigar smoking, corpse.  You should know better than to mess with a guy who played Moses, Ben-Hur, and an ape fighting astronaut.
     Well, he's dead for realz now having passed away in 2008.  In reality, he was 85 when he died.  And I suspect that after he died Michael Moore tore the rifle from his "cold, dead hands".  Then he ate a hot dog.
    

A TV Marathon With Masters of Horror

     I came down with the flu a couple of days ago so I've been bedridden ever since.  I missed two days of work and somehow managed to talk my wife's parents into watching the little guy while I get better.  So besides shivering with fever, eating vitamin C, and generally tripping my ass off with NyQuil, I've had nothing better to do with my time for two days than to begin a TV marathon.  What was the show of my choice?  None other than Masters of Horror.  The terrifically terrible Showtime horror anthology that aired between four and five years ago.  Created by Mick Garris, the idea was to bring together the world's best horror film directors and have them each direct an episode or two.  Kind of like mini horror films that only run an hour instead of an hour and a half.  The result... well.  The result was admittedly less than brilliant.  Don't get me wrong.  One of the key ingredients to a great horror film is cheese.  And like real cheese, it takes time to age and mature and become delicious.  Perhaps I began eating this cheese too soon. 

     No.  I take that back.  I love Masters of Horror.  I could sit here and go on about how corny and stupid it is but I could go on even longer about how awesome it is.

     Maybe I'm just getting old.  (See previous post.)  But if I see something that was shot on video, anything that was shot on video, it makes me want to puke.  I hate video.  If you can't afford to shoot on film, then just don't do it in the first place.  Shoot 8mm if you have to but just don't make a film on video.  Even if it is an accepted fact that it is not meant to be good.  Masters of Horror was shot on video. 

     Now here's the funny part.  I really didn't care that much for once.  Because Masters of Horror achieved everything that it set out to achieve.  It was entertaining, corny, dark and at times, yes, slightly frightening.  But only if viewed by a thirteen year old girl.  And that's why it scored big points with me.  It took itself just seriously enough to insight that small bit of fear and fun with only a hint of tongue in cheek.  Unlike it's non-associated predecessor Tales From the Crypt, it did away with the unapologetic crypt humor of the Crypt Keeper.  There are no retarded cackles here.  But at the same time, it's not as if anyone of these "masters of horror" had set out to win an Academy award.  It is what it is and if you don't like the flavor then stop eating it.  If you haven't seen any episodes of Masters of Horror, then I highly recommend that you do.  They are available to either instantly stream or rent through the mail from Netflix.

Braid has Melted My Brain

     Xbox Live has some really cool things to offer including downloadable video games, movies, music, etc.  I recently downloaded this 2D game called "Braid" even though it's already been out for a couple of years.   You have to reverse time to solve puzzles.  Collect all the puzzle pieces in six different worlds, and put the puzzles together to get to the final world and win the game.  Puzzle on top of puzzle.  My brain has melted. 
     Time behaves very strangely in the world of Braid.  As you go forward across the screen time progresses but if you go backwards across the screen, time moves in reverse.  You also have to sometimes use your shadow to solve puzzles or manually reverse time by holding down the X button.  Death is sometimes used to your advantage and the whole thing is just a huge mind bend.  Very awesome and very frustrating at times.  If you want to exercise your brain and use logic like you've never had to use logic before, download this game.  It costs 800 Microsoft points which is around $10.  Last night I think I spent around two hours trying to retrieve a single stupid puzzle piece.  The puzzles can be extremely tough and literally make your brain hurt.  That, my friends, is the sign of a truly brilliant video game.

Getting Old Really Sucks

     I was cool.  I used to be cool.  And then one day I woke up and looked in the mirror and I was old.  My haircut was stupid, my clothes were out of style, and I looked really tired.  I used to be awesome.  I wore cool clothes and listened to cool music.  I went to art school.  Very cool.
     But then one day you realize that you are not cool.  You don't even realize it when it happens because it is so gradual.  There is no defining moment when you become old and uncool.  But there is a defining moment when you realize that you are old now and not cool anymore. 
     For me it was using the Last FM feature on my Xbox 360.  It's like Pandora radio.  You put in a band you like and it generates all these other bands that are like it.  When I put in the music that I used to listen to back in high school, I realized how old I had gotten.  Sublime, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Nirvana, Beastie Boys.  Radiohead is still cool and I'm proud to say I was on that band wagon since day one.  Shove that up your asses, young hipsters.  Was 311 ever really cool?  I pondered this question and came to the conclusion that, yes, 311 used to be awesome.  But now.  Kids these days.  Kanye West should die, Lady Gaga is an attention seeking poser and the rest of the no-talent ass-clowns out there have ruined music.
     Also, now my bones are all creaky.  My back is fucked and I get winded walking up a flight of stairs.  I wonder if I should start doing old man things like drinking prune juice, taking up lawn bowling or shitting my pants?  
     Now get off my lawn.

Day - Oh! A Tribute to Otho

     Glenn Shadix, the actor who was best known for his role as Otho in the movie Beetlejuice has died.  He was also the voice of the mayor of Halloweentown in The Nightmare Before Christmas.  Apparently he had been confined to a wheelchair for the past few years and took an unfortunate fall that caused a blow to his head.  While not the most famous actor in the world, his death saddens me.  Beetlejuice was a part of my childhood.

Joe Montana is an Ass Hole

     Joe Montana had some pretty mean things to say about Rudy Ruettiger recently.  First of all, I don't remember Joe Montana being mentioned at all in the movie, but apparently he was one of the guys on the team at the time.  Probably one of the guys that gave poor Rudy a hard time in the first place.  He'd better not go after Rocky next.  He's already crushed me with his comments about Rudy.  Even if things didn't happen exactly the way that they were portrayed in the film, he still didn't have to say what he said.  That movie was pretty damn special, even if it didn't mean to be.  Just ask any jock you know.  You can't help but to love it.  I'm no jock and never have been.  I don't know shit about football and would never claim to.  But I am a man.  And Rudy is a man's film.  Maybe Joe is just pissed off because he wasn't put in the film.  I say, down with Joe.  Damn.  I just sounded really gay.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  Here's the story and audio. 

RUDY!  RUDY!  RUDY!