The Notebook Made my Wife Kidnap Me

     There comes a time in many men's lives when they realize that it is time to say goodbye to the life of a reckless bachelor and bite the bullet and get married.  I'm sure that there are several reasons that a guy might ask a girl to marry him.  But I'm only familiar with the way that I myself became engaged.
     I never willfully asked my wife to marry me.  It was forced upon me.  She had hatched a plan.  Like some wretched evil sorceress, she had plotted to pull me into her web of date movies that in her mind personified what it might be like to be proposed to romantically by her fantasy knight in shining armor.  She was smarter than me.  She knew that things would never happen the way they did in the movie The Notebook.  So she made her own Notebook.
     I was working late that night.  It was around 10 or 11 o'clock by the time I was finished and she called me to tell me that she was on her way to pick me up.
     When she arrived, I saw that something was off.  Her face was covered in makeup and she was glowing.  She knew what I didn't know.  It was going to be her night.  Tonight was the night that I was going to propose to her.
     She began driving us home but she blew right past the turn that would lead us to our house.  "Where are you going?"  I asked. 
     "We're going to the beach."  We were off to Tybee Island.
     I was starving.  I asked her if we could please stop at Arby's so that I might get a sandwich, but I was refused.  Apparently, there was no time for earthly needs to be fulfilled.  Besides, she reminded me that Arby's was closed at this hour.  I had been kidnapped.  And denied Arby's.  Shit.
    When we arrived at the beach on Tybee, I was shown a ring in a teal blue Tiffany's box.  "This is the ring that you bought me, ok?" 
     "Ok,"  I said.
     "If anyone asks you, just say you got it at an estate sale."
    "What the hell is an estate sale?"
     "Don't worry about that.  Just tell them that it cost you a FORTUNE!"
     "....  Alright.  Look.  This is a little weird..."
    "Shut up!  You're ruining the moment."
     "How am I ruining the moment?  What moment are we talking about?"
    "The moment that you propose to me, silly.  Now, grab that basket in the back seat and follow me."
I looked in the back seat and there was a wicker basket with a picnic lunch in it and a cheap bottle of wine.  I grabbed it.
    She got out of the car and instructed me to follow.  A short hike over the sand dunes and we were sitting on the beach under a bright moon.  She told me pull the blanket out of the basket and spread it on the sand.  I looked in the basket and found the blanket.  Then I did what I was told.
     Then she pulled out the ring and said, "Now, ask me to marry you."
     "Ok.  Here."  I thrust the ring at her.
     "No!  Say it like you mean it."
     "Do you want to marry me?"  I asked.
     "Have you asked my father?"
     "No."
     "It doesn't matter.  You can ask him afterwards.  Now say it like you mean it."
     "Ok, ok.  Will you marry me?"
     "Yes!"
     I think a few seconds passed afterwards before she picked up her phone and called every God damned friend she knew to tell them that she was engaged.  I wasn't entirely sure of what just happened.  After that, all I can remember was grabbing the bottle of wine out of the basket and turning it upside down over my mouth.  I considered drowning myself, but the tide was pretty low and I figured that I'd have to walk a good ways out before it got deep enough to really do the job.  With it being so shallow, I might have chickened out and stood up able to walk myself back to shore.
     Five years later, we're still married.  Thanks a lot, Nicholas Sparks.



 

The Birth of a Demon

     Although babies may look innocent and cute, I can assure you that this is just a ploy to deceive you into thinking that they are not demons.  Note my son in the pictures to the left and below. 
     He looks innocent enough.  But from the very beginning, they are plotting to destroy you by using every sneaky little trick in the book.  Crying, puking, pooping, peeing, getting sick, getting ear infections and many other things that would lead a man to think that the person committing these atrocities should be committed.  But babies know this and they disguise themselves as cute, helpless, adorable creatures so that they do not end up in an institution.  They use their helplessness as an excuse to puke in your mouth the moment you turn your head to speak to your wife while feeding the demon his bottle.  They will hold their pee in until the very moment that you open the diaper.  The reason that you opened the diaper in the first place was because the demon deceived you into opening it by unloading a massive explosion of diarrhea on the inside. 

     You see, they know that as soon as you smell the poop, you will open the diaper to get rid of the poop.  That is when the demon seizes his opportunity and unleashes his master plan which was to take a piss right in your face the second you take off the diaper.  This is hilarious to the demon and he won't even attempt to hide his laughter from you.  Once you have wiped the piss from your face and washed the poop from your hands and arms, the demon will continue to harass you by refusing to let you put a new diaper on it.  He will squirm and scream his demon scream, a high pitched screech like that of an over sized bat on cocaine.  Your ears will bleed, but you must not let this distract you from the task at hand.  You must continue on your endeavor to secure the diaper in it's proper place.  You must expose the demon's weaknesses and distract him with a toy.  Fuzzy animals work well, because after dark, I suspect that is what they feed on.

     When the demon has matured a bit, he will begin to crawl and later walk around.  He will learn to use his claws to grab things.  Important things, like unpaid bills and expensive books.  He will tear these into bits and throw the shreds of paper around the house after softening them with his saliva.   He will use his claws to destroy all that he sees.  Your Xbox 360 is not safe.  The green lit power button will attract him like a moth to the flame and before you have time to save your game, he will turn off the console.  He will pull over flat screen TV's by grabbing the cables that are tucked neatly behind them.  He will terrorize your dog by chasing him relentlessly around the house until finally catching the poor beast, pulling out handfuls of dog hair and biting the dog's ears.  And to top it off he will enter the kitchen where the dog's food and water bowls sit and dump them on the floor.

        If you give the demon toys that are not made of soft material, he will hit you in the head with them until you bleed.  If the demon discovers your wine rack, he will pull only the expensive bottles of wine off the rack to shatter them on the hard kitchen floor below.  The demon considers all things to be delicious and will put anything in his mouth.  He will devour dog poop, toy trucks, DVD's, shoelaces, your wife's makeup and jewelry, your wallet, and pretty much anything else that he is able to get his claws on.  Their trickery knows no bounds.