Charlton Heston Could Kick Your Ass

     I was sitting at my house last Saturday afternoon, babysitting the little guy as usual.  My wife was out shopping and spending all of our money on ridiculous things that we don't need, and all I wanted to do was relax and watch a movie.  It was time for the little guy to have his nap, so I put him down to sleep and began scrolling through the hord of films that are stashed away on my Netflix queue on my Xbox.

     Holy crap.  Planet of the Apes.  I'm talking about the original of course.  The one with Charlton Heston that was made in 1968, not that blasphemous Tim Burton version with Marky Mark minus his Funky Bunch.  I love Tim Burton but everyone knows you don't remake classics (ahem, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).
     While watching the film I began to realize two things.  Planet of the Apes was brilliant and Charlton Heston was one bad ass son of a bitch. 
     He was old even back then and I'm a bit confused about why he was thought to be a sex symbol.  His man boobs sag a bit and his teeth are yellow and crooked.  His voice sounds like he's been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day since he was in the womb which must have been back in the mid-1800's from the look of the guy.  He looks like some ass-kicking corpse that's come back from the dead to rape your daughter and laugh about it.  But I guess back in the '60's this was sexy.
     Then there was that whole thing about Heston being the head of the NRA.  Fine.  I'm pro-gun but there was something about that image of Heston holding that rifle over his head and saying, "From my cold dead hands!" that just cracked me up.  I really wanted him to finish out the sentence with, "you damn dirty apes!"  And when that idiot Michael Moore did that horrible interview with him in Moore's film Bowling for Columbine, I wanted to piss my pants I was laughing so hard.  Heston looked like he was about 150 years old for that interview but I can remember thinking that Moore was only one cocky statement away from having his ass blown away by an ape fighting, cigar smoking, corpse.  You should know better than to mess with a guy who played Moses, Ben-Hur, and an ape fighting astronaut.
     Well, he's dead for realz now having passed away in 2008.  In reality, he was 85 when he died.  And I suspect that after he died Michael Moore tore the rifle from his "cold, dead hands".  Then he ate a hot dog.